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Well my rents finally are getting a divorce, and it is pretty much killing me and pissing me off all at the same time. My mother is so stupid!!! when she first left she said she didn't want any thing from the house but all her stuff and her clothes. Well now she either wants half the house (when my dad sells it she get half of that money) or my 4wheeler. I would farther her take the 4 wheeler if she must get something, but still i wish she wouldn't do anything to hurt us (i am living with my dad and Fiance) So it is going to be final this Friday and i really hope its over i am just sick of it already. My dad can't hardly pay the bills and i am still looking for a job and matt (fiance) has a job and i have asked him to help my dad a little more. He said he would pay the phone bill wish is nice because it was almost $300. 

On a happy note C:
Matt and I are doing good!! we have been living with each other for almost a year. Anddddddd he got himself a car which i am so happy about. We don't have to worry about losing it now. It was his Step Dad's but Matt got it which i was shocked. We have had our ups and downs but everything is going good and i am happy, i can truly say that i am. Ohhh getting the car payed off means that matt got his Mac back C: I love this laptop!!

So I was going to college until my GPA dropped to a 1.6. I never felt so dissapointed with myself, i started out with 4 or 5 classes and droped one I should have dropped Theatre too but i thought i could make it in that class, plus i was talking to the teacher telling her that i wasn't doing well in her class and i needed her to help me. Well she didn't seem to want to help me i just felt weird around her. I was so excited to start my second semester because i had all the classes i needed to take to get my Bachelor's in Fine Arts for my photography. Because i got a 1.6 gpa i got kicked out of all my classes. When i got my letter i cried the whole day.

My life in a little nut shell C:
ps- matty brought home yummy jelly beans >.<



Soooo i am thinking about going on a diet.
not like the stupid ones that all i eat is lettuce like a rabbit.
but just cut down on eating junk food, cuz thats all i eat because i know that i wont get fat from eating it too much.
maybe when i am older i will, but right now i feel like crap all the time cuz i dont eat right.
so this one is not going to be eating so much candy

short but sweet
ill keep up some post about me progress

Maybe even start toning up on some places, XD i dont really have any muscle T___T

I KNOW that i am NOT fat
there is really nothing wrong with me
I am under weight...i NEED to eat more XD
i think i am addited to sweets and for now i am going to cut down

i had a bag BAG FULL of REESES wrappers....it filled the bloody bag. and i gained NOTHING
but i know it is going to catch up with me.
i can feel that my body is getting weaker from it.
ughh i cant really even run far or long because i am out of shape =/


The Little things that run in my mind

"I need someone to tell me"

I dont know what to do with myself.

i feel like i am losing him.
i dont know if it is me or not. i have never had anyone move away from me and still love me as though it was the first time we fell in love. i have to be in the is 100%. i love him to death and back. he knows this and forever will.
i need to stop my mind from wondering, i have to stop believing the lies it thinks of.
i hope ill get over this. i dont want to stop loving someone as wonderful as him.
i know one will ever treat me with such beauty.
Please be there for me, to tell me it is going to be ok.
Someone to catch me when a I fall.
Hold me tight when i am losing my own war.
My so-called Friends just push me aside, tell me to get over myself.
They dont like to deal with me.
I am sorry for being emotional.
Sorry for hurting.
But i am not.

I am this way because i love this person so much that it takes all my strength.
Sometimes i cant do everything myself.
We all need someone to lean on at times.
He is not here to fight my fears
Wipe away my tears.
Hold me tight so he doesnt lose me.
Tell me it is ok with his kisses.

I get no confront from my rents.
They dont understand why i am like this.
[when do parents understand]
Why i love him so much.

His has new friends.
What comes to mind is horrible.
I am too far to touch him
No where close to protect him.
This is were my mind takes over.
Tells me the evilest of lies.
Tear every inch of me down,
Destroying me.
The things they could be doing
Please dont get my wrong, i trust him with my life.
it is not him i am worried about.
i cant deal with.
My mind is my enemy when it comes to things to happen.
I welcome it, knowing i am losing.
Where i push everything away.
where i feel the losing of him.
Please Help me
I am losing myself.
Losing the one person that means the world to me.
....But no one can help me.
i have to deal with it by myself.
thats what i have been told.
No one with care.

Please tell me differnt.
Show me someone does care
what happens to me.
so he asked he scariest thing today
question, would you ever think that we needed a break from each other?'
i swear i almost shit my pants.
my heart felt like it jumped into my stomach.
but we are ok
just a question....nothing more.

he was a little freaked out about something i told him about an exbf.
me and the ex where going through some stupid shit.
and he was an ass about everything.
so i told him what really happened, and me.....being me when stupid and immature
was all like 'maybe if we take a break we'll be ok'
thing i ever thought of.
He broke up with me for a 14 year old
ended up in jail twice, she pressed rape on him.
and of course him being 18....the word Pedophile followed him.

so life is ok....my amazing sister is coming up in 3 days! so there is something to get excited about!
only I have to clean the whole house -_-
damn rents =/
They are all busy with other things.....grrr...
and now i have to do the damn dishes -_-
there are so many of them wahhhhhhhh


Togather again

For a few weeks i forgot about this place.
i guess i was wanting for something to happen in my life worth telling people.
Well i now have 5 Koi fish[the Japanese ones]  swimming around in my backyard.
I am pretty excited, i cant wait until they get really big and pretty.

i went to the beach a few days ago...at 7 in the morning -_-...i was there for 9 hours.
i have really bad sun burn.

I am pretty excited for the 4th, i get to hang out with my bf ^^ woop!
and i it would be the last time for about a month that i would see my Friend. she is going to Detroit.
i am going to miss her =(

life here is ok i guess....i just deal with mother's stupidity.
my bf's rents drive me crazy still....when i was staying at their house his step dad started kicking the shit out of him when i was asleep.
because he cant get it out of his head that we are
NOT having sex.
ugh they really make me mad.

well i think i am going to go read or something...no one is on and talking to meh.


I still live

Life has gotten really shitty
my rents might break up
my moms a  drunk and wont go get help
i am full of problems because of my mom
i have it stuck in my head that i am a slut and a whore thanks to my mom.

most of my problems are from my mom.

ugh idk =(


I just Realized..........

How much i really love Matt o.o
[I think it is love]

so we were driving home
[A few days ago]
He was being a racing junky
and i felt completely safe.

i didn't care how fast we where going

we where there together
hand in hand.

He is just Amazing
i don't know what i would do with out him.
we have been together since Oct. 29th 2007
never been happier

I love the respect we have for each other
we can just go out, have fun, then come home and crash.
No sexual favors asked.

We can wake up in each other's arms
&& smile to ourselves
tell each other what we already know.

I want to let myself completely go
but there is still something i just cant.

The Fear
he is leaving soon
Collage calls his name.
for a whole year

i cant touch him
kiss him
love him
Feel him
taste him
Smell him

I love him
He loves me
we are together forever

Nothing can break us
until our bones bend and shatter

Is Our Love

this is love

I hate life....can you blame me?

so here is a really shitty part of my life.
they drive me nuts. my bf's rents....oh ps....
[Rents=Parents, for those of you who cant put two and two together!]
Anyway, My bf needs to move out of his house, his rents beat and yell at him like no tomorrow. at first my rents said they dont have a problem with it, now of course my mom is a bitch and is like no.
i want to kill something so bad, i am hurt beyond hurt.
my mother said she doesn't trust me. i wouldn't be talking mom....remember what you did to dad?
i am not getting into that.

they all think me and Matt-bf have sex....WHY do people always go straight to 'OMFG, SEX THEY ARE DOING IT, they have to be, they love each other.'
the reason i love matt so much is that he doesnt believe until sex until marriage anyway, and he respects me and i respect him.
I guess we just have to hold on.
His rents wants him to get a job near there house, which is an hour away from me, so that Matt can see me. but he wants to live in the town closer to me, cuz he is going to move to the town closer to me.
ugh idk i just want him away from his rents, I am sick of the screming and yelling we both get.


yea it is sad

i am really just feel soooo crappy right now =( the most amazing class is leaving our school tomorrow. that means all my Friends. i hate most of the kids in my class. they are either stuck up, or assholes, or drugies. i will have ONE Friend all next year, one that i see in and out of school. This is going to be a sort entry, i need to go wash my belly piercing  out.
I am not going to get enough sleep tonight again.



ok...does anyone REALLY KNOW what EMO mean?
oh yes....it is a type of person...who wears bands tees and tight pants and have crazy hair. FUCK NO, people use a dictionary, 'Emo' is a STYLE OF MUSIC.
I hate the word 'Emo' when someone is talking about someone else.
it is the same thing with 'Preps" no one knows what that really means, they are like ohh your stuck up, and popular, so your a prep....ugh again people use a dictionary,
The term originated as a description of someone who attended private university-preparatory schools.

yes i hate stuck up people with fake friends....well i hate a lot of things. 
i dont like it when my friends and i are out hanging out when some asshole walks up and is like
'oh so your emo oh wait or are you scene?'.  i got that the last time i when to the store with a bunch of friends after a Concert.
yes 'Scene' is another stupid term people are calling hardcore kids..fuck i dont know what to call us...we are humans just like everyone else lol. really i dont have a problem being called Scene, i would have it that then being call a style of music.